I’ll be the first to admit that I take rejection badly. This trait is fine for a surgeon (general anesthesia is a great way to avoid rejection), but is a problem for any new, aspiring, delusional writer, such as myself. So, today I received the following terse, fairly standard email of rejection:
Thank you for your interest; unfortunately this falls outside of my area of expertise. I wish you all the best finding the right agent and publisher for your work
So, I replied thusly:
Thank you for the courtesy of your reply to my query from one year ago. Congratulations on your recovery from the deep coma that prevented you from replying in a more timely, professional manner. During your absence, and due to a lack of any evidence during the past year that you or your company actually functions as a literary agency, I and my friends at the DEA have been forced to conclude that the financial transactions masquerading as the activities of a valid agent actually represent a probable money laundering enterprise for a Colombian drug cartel. You may anticipate further inquiries in this matter.
Again, thank you for taking such a lengthy and appreciative interest in my work. I’m sorry that I have been forced, in your absence, to pursue another path. I wish you luck in your future endeavors as a “literary agent.”
Which, of course, is yet another reason that I’m not “traditionally published.”