I’ll be the first to admit that I take rejection badly.  This trait is fine for a surgeon (general anesthesia is a great way to avoid rejection), but is a problem for any new, aspiring, delusional writer, such as myself.  So, today I received the following terse, fairly standard email of rejection:

Thank you for your interest; unfortunately this falls outside of my area of expertise. I wish you all the best finding the right agent and publisher for your work

.-Chris P*__________

I should note that this reply arrived exactly one year after my query submission.

So, I replied thusly:

Dear Chris:

Thank you for the courtesy of your reply to my query from one year ago.  Congratulations on your recovery from the deep coma that prevented you from replying in a more timely, professional manner. During your  absence, and due to a lack of any evidence during the past year that you or your company actually functions as a literary agency, I and my friends at the DEA have been forced to conclude that the financial transactions masquerading as the activities of a valid agent actually represent a probable money laundering enterprise for a Colombian drug cartel.  You may anticipate further inquiries in this matter.

Again, thank you for taking such a lengthy and appreciative interest in my work.  I’m sorry that I have been forced, in your absence, to pursue another path.  I wish you luck in your future endeavors as a “literary agent.”

Sincerely,

Evan Geller

Which, of course, is yet another reason that I’m not “traditionally published.”